Ms. Bettina, as she is known at Westside Montessori in Vancouver, BC, offers words of encouragement other than “good job.” Here’s Bettina:
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My mentor often said, “Every moment is a teachable moment.”

The language we use with children is so important. In our classrooms, we are acutely aware not to overpraise. We work to foster the child’s inner guide and not to look for external reinforcements. It’s all about building independence and an inner sense of self-worth.

When we hear, “I did it!” We try not to say, “Good job!” Children innately feel successful, they do not need us to reinforce that feeling. We want them to relish in the feeling of meeting success. The accomplishment is theirs.

What does encouragement vs. praise look like?

Praise automatically gives an evaluation on the child’s efforts. “That’s amazing!” “You’re the best!” “You’re a good boy.” These words create the habit of the child seeking acknowledgement from others.

Here are phrases that express encouragement, without value judgment:

“How do you feel about that?”
“I notice many details in your picture. Tell me about them.”

A warm smile or nod can also reflect encouragement and shares in the child’s moment. It can covey that you are right there with them – but the glory is theirs.

Focussing on acknowledging the child’s efforts rather than results is another affirmative route to take:

“You worked hard on that piece.”
“Sounds like that was challenging for you and you persevered.”

It shows that you recognize their efforts, but deflects the idea of needing your approval or thumbs up.

“The child, in fact, once he (she) feels sure of himself (herself), will no longer seek
the approval of authority after every step.” Dr. Maria Montessori

“I notice many details in your picture. Tell me about them.”

In the classroom, we especially avoid phrases that create expectations. Comments such as, “You’re so smart.” and “You’re really good at Math.” are hard to constantly live up to. Instead of being encouraging, they can be debilitating. We have seen the effect of children not willing to try new challenges, unless they know that they can live up to these words.

It takes a lot to retrain ourselves to adapt and to change the language we use with our children. But the impact is huge.

Here is a handy chart that might help:

Instead of “Clever girl…” say “How do you feel about that?”
Instead of “I love it!” say “I can see the effort you put into it.”
Instead of “I’m so proud of you.” say “You must be very proud of yourself.”
Instead of “You’re so helpful.” say “I appreciate your help.”
Instead of “What a beautiful drawing!” say “It looks like you enjoyed creating that.”

Recently, a parent in my class had asked her 3-year old daughter, “What does Ms. Bettina teach you?” Without skipping a beat, she replied, “Ms. Bettina teaches me that I can do hard things.” It’s not about the constant praise and affirmations. This child recognizes that I believe in her and she knows that she is capable.

Rewards and Punishments

“The prize and punishments are incentives toward unnatural or forced effort, and, therefore we certainly cannot speak of the natural development of the child in connection with them.” Dr. Maria Montessori

Further to the idea of fostering the child’s inner guide, the same logic can be said for external reinforcement through rewards and punishments.

Gold stars, stickers, prizes – these are short-term, motivators for the behavior we want to see. They are proven to be ineffective in creating lasting change in attitude or conduct. Instead, they feed the idea that one’s positive actions warrant a reward. “If I’m good, I’ll get … ” It doesn’t make positive behavior the expectation, rather it creates a habit of dependency on receiving something tangible or a privilege in return.

Instead of “If you hurry, we’ll get ice cream after.” say “It’s important that we arrive on time.”

Instead of “Put on your shoes and you get a sticker.” say “It feels good when we get dressed ourselves.”

Instead of “If you eat all of it, you can pick out a toy.” say “Our bodies feel good when we eat good food.”

It takes conscious effort to use encouragement, rather than praise. I hope that you find the charts useful. It may not sound right at first or feel natural, but trust that the long-term effects are lasting and powerful. Small tweaks in the daily language we use with our children can have a lasting impact on the way they see themselves.

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